Middle School Division News: Feb. 20, 2025

By Dr. Jenn Milam, Pamela K. Murfin Head of School and Interim Middle School Division Head

I hope you’re staying warm as we navigate this cold snap! Needless to say, I thought my mornings of temperatures in the teens were well behind me when we moved from Minnesota last summer. I keep hearing that spring is just around the corner - I sure hope so! 

I hope you’ve taken some time to read my Head’s message this week about the emotional lives of teenagers. Especially at this time of year, when we are deep into the days of winter, not getting outside enough, and the marathon to spring break seems long, our middles can be especially vulnerable to emotional swings that come with typical daily challenges. A nudge from a teacher to refocus in class, a disagreement with a classmate at recess or lunch, or even just waking up on the wrong side of the bed can throw our young people into a whirlwind of emotions. This is especially true for those on the brink of navigating adolescence! It can be difficult to sit with those feelings with your young person, but I can assure you that sitting with them, listening, and processing through (resisting the urge to solve or intervene!), and then coaching them to shift out of the negative toward the productive is a truly important task of parenting at this age. 

I offer for you my top three tidbits of wisdom for navigating the ups and downs of the teenage emotional rollercoaster…

• A supportive parent is a balanced and self-regulated parent! It can be a challenge to truly listen, without reaction or response, when our children are frustrated, sad, or upset. Likewise, it can be easy to attach to positive, excited, and optimistic moments. In both, our good friend and parenting expert, Lisa Damour, would say to be intentionally calm and try to listen more than we speak. In the moments where we let them lead and affirm negative or positive emotions, we convey that we are a safe, reassuring space.
• Ted Lasso said it best, “BE A GOLDFISH!” Let that one play, that negative interaction, that high-stress moment go, in exchange for the next opportunity. When we dwell in the past, sit too long, and marinate in the ick, or begin to frame our own perceptions about our teens’ friends, peers, or situations too quickly, we can model for our teen an over-reactive, highly volatile response. More times than I can count, our young people move on quickly. They are ready to re-engage, make amends, or try again. While we (the grown-ups who love them) hold on to grudges, worries, or negative feelings. Being a goldfish models resilience and compassion - for others and for themselves. 
• ENJOY the ride! While there are downs, there are plenty of UPs! The UPs are great and should be celebrated. A growth mindset approach to parenting, especially in the teen years, sees all experiences and learning opportunities. Learning to push through disappointment, dislike someone with kindness, and accept that mistakes happen—but don’t define us—are all crucial lessons. This is especially true during a time in life when the frontal lobe struggles to keep up with decisions, actions, or the unfiltered thoughts that escape before we consider their impact. The best thing I say to my kids when they’ve messed up is, “Yep. You messed up. Try to do better next time.” In reality, isn’t that all any of us can really do? 

The human experience is messy. It’s complicated and simple at the same time. The best thing we can do with our kids as they develop emotionally through the teen years, is to love them unconditionally, listen intently, and respond generously. 

Until next time…be well and take care of one another. 

Jenn Milam
Interim Middle School Division Head